I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
