They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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