Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We don't watch enough power rangers
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
