Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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