What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
