oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize