I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
