I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
