Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
