i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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