dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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