Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
