There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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