You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
