god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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