Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
