Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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