Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Damn victory sex feels great
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
