i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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