A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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