You're my little dorito
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
