One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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