I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
