OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
