Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
