YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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