Will you blow on my dice?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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