there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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