Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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