im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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