Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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