I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
