I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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