You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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