oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
