I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
