can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I cannot find my penis.
Welp...herpes.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize