giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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