Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize