I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I don't deserve a penis
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
