I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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