Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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