I accidentally had phone sex last night
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
