Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
