No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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