sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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