Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
