Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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