Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
