nut hugger
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
