i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
