Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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