Whats the glycemic index on semen?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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