The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
