Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I could fuck to npr.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
