It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize