The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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